Raising Twins, Welcome to Motherhood

You've successfully survived perhaps the longest, most painful experience in your entire life, which probably included (if your twins fought for space like mine) the most intense and grueling game of Rock Em Sock Em Robots ever played in ones uterus. So kudos to you, Momma, for making it through the worst of the physical pain that coincides with becoming a Mother. Soon the doctors will be releasing you and your new family from their care where for the first time you will be completely on your own. Are you ready? I know I wasn't! If it were an option to stay at the hospital with round the clock Doctors and Nurses who have vast knowledge on newborns to help me care for these two new lives I would have taken it in a heartbeat! Unfortunately, aside from this being totally unrealistic, neither my insurance company or the Hospital wanted me to stay so I was sent packing and believe me, I was in no way ready to walk through my front door as a brand new Mother to two new lives knowing full well that I had no idea what I was doing. Well, it was now do or die time and to start making my first of many mistakes. Was I ready for this challenge? Nope! Looking back perhaps, I should have prepared myself more rather than preparing the house. Oh well, Motherhood was officially mine.

It was July 23, 2009 and we arrived at the hospital and were ready to have some babies! It was 1:15pm and I was being rolled into the operating room where the anesthesiologist decided to take his sweet precious time locating my spine and then play a game of "find that puncture spot". FYI, he sucked at that game because he missed it 2 times. If you've ever had, a huge needle shoved into your back you'll know just how painful this is. Luckily, for me this was the only pain I felt throughout the entire birthing experience. My husband was then led into the operating room followed by several nurses and 2 doctors (yes that is 1 doctor per child). "You're going to feel some slight tugging.” Okay, I thought, no big deal I can do this and before I knew it we were done. Yep, I can honestly say that given the choice between being cut open or pushing so hard that I fart and crap in front of all the labor and delivery staff, I much rather preferred being told I was going to feel slight tugging. At 2:17pm, Baby "A" was pulled from my body with Baby "B" not wasting any time as he came out just 30 seconds later. Both boys instantly started screaming and suddenly this idea of being a Mother had become a reality. 8 months I thought of my children as these things growing in my body rather as actual human beings and now here they were, out and a part of the world. That first moment I was able to see, feel, hear and hold their fragile little bodies it became clear then that being a Mother was no longer some distant event that was going to happen. It was something that did happen and suddenly it became who I was, a Mommy. A Mommy to two of the most amazing things their Daddy and I had or will ever create in our entire lives. While Motherhood took a bit longer than most to fully become real to me and the bonds that you hear about being instantaneous didn't apply, I was still amazed by the sight of them, the thought of them, and the knowledge that I had played a key role in bringing these two amazing people into this world. It was then that I decided to make it my goal in life to ensure their happiness and safety for the rest of my life. While Motherhood may not have been instant for me, being their ultimate, lifelong protector and teacher was and it was.

Walking through my front door felt different now. Rather than being welcomed by the smell of a messy husband and 2 dirty dogs I was welcomed with tears, and the worst odor of baby poop imaginable. Oh yes, one of the many joys of Motherhood comes in the form of a new, more powerful sense of smell that can detect even the first whiffs of gas and loaded diapers. They weren't kidding when they told you, growing up, that Mommy's had super powers. I just wish I was informed of this super sense of smell beforehand.

I never thought about what it was really like to be a Mother I just always thought about what it was like to have children and not in the realistic way but in this fantasy world where everything they do is sweet, innocent, loving and affectionate. I should have been more realistic because what I actually got was nothing like I had imaged. Being home with both boys tested every aspect of my psyche and being the poor test taker that I am, I often found myself failing.

There is a reason that the first few months of caring for any newborn is referred to as "survival mode.” You literally find yourself able to do only the bare minimum to keep yourself functioning. "Just sleep when they sleep.” I heard this a lot from every single been there done that Mother I had ever known. Unfortunately, it's just not that simple especially when you have two newborns. I have read studies on sleep deprivation and what I have learned is that severe absence of sleep is equivalent to being heavily intoxicated. This makes perfect sense because not only did I have trouble thinking and knowing which of my sons I was currently caring for, but I also had trouble walking and literally found myself walking down the hallway in zig zag patterns bumping into each wall at least 5 times a day. Unfortunately, it goes without saying that sleep will join the ranks of bathing and eating as luxury amenities you are now too poor to afford.

Those first few weeks of being at home are life changing, no doubts about that, and there are still many more hurdles for you to jump like feeding challenges, sleep troubles, etc (all of which we will discuss in the articles to come). The most important thing that you need to start doing right now is to say these words and believe them...
I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN AND THAT MAKES ME THE BEST MOTHER TO MY CHILDREN!
Self-doubt runs wild with new Mom's, and even experienced ones, but try to remind yourself of this. The more you say and believe those words the less you will feel like every single thing you do is wrong.

I'm not going to lie and say this process will shoot rainbows out of your butt from uncontrollable happiness but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, even though I probably cried more than a teenage girl with her first zit on a date with the hottest boy in school, I still managed to have joyful moments that reminded me what being a Mother was all about. Cradling your newborn in your arms as they peacefully sleep is truly a feeling that cannot be put to words. Before I gave birth to my sons, I never really thought about anyone being truly innocent and pure. I just assumed that everyone had a vendetta with no real sense of unconditional trust and kindness. Looking into my sons' eyes, I realized just how pure we are when we come into this world. Becoming a Mother fulfilled my childhood dreams and being able to witness that first smile that first laugh, that first hug was and still is, the single most incredible thing I will ever be witness to. My new focus in life, my children, and their happiness.

Yes Motherhood has it's moments of bliss that can help weed out the constant frustration and stress you feel but I warn you not to get too comfortable. After all, you just got home, but don't worry. It's all uphill from here...and by uphill, I do mean Mt. Everest. So get your Sherpa's on speed dial. You're going to need all the help you can get!

Side note: As I am writing this I am finding myself rolling my eyes at the sounds of two 2 year old boys having temper tantrums over who gets to play with a piece of toilet paper they removed from the bathroom. Kids...always have ways of making you into a walking contradiction. I love you but good lord do you drive me crazy!